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Femdom Culture and What Keeps Women Away
This is a previous writing that I originally posted to Fetlife based on my experience at the start of my kink journey. I am posting it as it resonated with both the Danish and American crowd.

Link to the original post: https://fetlife.com/users/14713407/posts/10018864


I have a feeling that there is a large amount of women who are interested in exercising control and dominance without identifying with any sort of femdom label.

Women often face societal pressure to prioritize men's needs, be accommodating, and adopt a submissive role. If they decide to take charge, they're expected to excel in everything they do, with no room for error. This expectation can be quite unhealthy for everyone involved. In order to embrace dominance, women must be willing to do some social reprogramming. However, I don't believe it's just general society that contributes to this imbalance.

Let’s imagine a woman who has always had conventional sexual experiences but is curious about what it's like to have a man submit to her. Perhaps she was inspired by a movie where a sexy male character addressed the lady lead with respect and adoration. Big ask, I know... The idea is intriguing, but she lacks an understanding of the online femdom subculture. So, with naivety, she begins her search.

What does she find? A totally overwhelming online subculture full of lots of men talking about the kinks they like. Only all these kinks are presented as one giant bundle. She gets the impression that in order to have a D/s relationship with a man, she needs to do impact play and needle play and bondage and chastity and forced orgasms and pegging and fisting and contracts and collaring and boot licking and human furniture and queening and piss play and sounding and cock-and-ball torture and forced bi and feminization and dick shaming and cuckolding and and and AND!!!. It’s like trying to drinking from a firehose. Don't forget, this is all for HER pleasure. This is all of what SHE desires. But she shouldn't show that she enjoys something too much. She shouldn't laugh and have fun with her partner.

Oh, and she shouldn't forget to look sexy while doing all these things. Femdom is all about the straight male gaze with much of the popular content and porn consisting of lots of thin, conventionally attractive 20-something-year-old white cis women dressed up in uncomfortable-looking sexy outfits. All while the men have their faces hidden or de-emphasised. "But I like sexy men" she thinks to herself. "If this culture is supposed to be about women in charge, where the hell are all the images of sexy men? Why can't I enjoy the sexy men? Why do I have to call them and their dicks useless? Why can't I just enjoy them and their sexy man bodies? I want a sexy man toy to do my dark bidding, give me back rubs, and cuddles”

When she tries to come out of her shell, she just has to mention once that she’s a dominant woman and guys will flood her inbox demanding her to dom them. Again, much like a firehose only this time with dicks and assholes. When she turns them down, she is called names, negged, and told that she is kink shaming. She gets the impression that just maaaaybe these guys are not interested in her as a person. Even on a physical level. They are just looking for a fill-in-the-blank role. She wants to have her whims catered to, not cater to someone else’s whims. She gets enough of that in daily life expecting to be submissi...heeey...wait a god damn second.

So what does this curious lady do? If she is like many before, she forgets the notion of having a sweet boyfriend that lets her take control in the bedroom and is there for her pleasure. She comes to the conclusion that she must not be into this femdom thing after all. So logs off and that's that. She is free to do what she wants without self-identity as a dominant.

I have a feeling that much of femdom culture contribute to the gender disparity when it comes to dominant women and submissive men by alienating so many women from the start (it almost did that to me). The few of us women who do end up self-identify as dominant are the ones who were willing to wade through the cesspool and managed to find a guiding light through a partner, mentor, and/or community, which can be hard to find in the beginning.

Should guys stop being submissive?
No, but many should re-examine their approach to finding a dominant woman. It’s counter productive to demand women to dominate them in the way they want. Yes, men should state their boundaries and wishes but do so as part of a dialogue. There are many women who do like taking control in the bedroom but don’t identify with the femdom stereotype. I know because I was one of these women and in many ways still am.


Moderator’s notes: I will be removing any comments with whataboutisms or anything else that distract from the main point of the post.

Added 16 dec 2023   Debate articles regarding sexuality and identity   #Woman as top #Woman #Dominant #femdom

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